A Broken World
by Liviia
Summary: The Shepherd family seems to be the perfect family. But if you look really close you can se that one person is everything exept fine. She struggels but no one notice it at first. Warning: Deals with anorexia, self-harm and alot of other triggers! Rating T with a borderline M.
1. The intruduction

**Disclaimer: I own nothing exept the DVD's and the characters you don't know. **

**A/N: So this is my first Grey's anatomy fanfic. This is a story about the Shepherd family, mostly about their oldest girl Hannah. The story revolves around a sensitive topic so please stop reading if it affects you in any way. **

**Some background for this story:**

**Meredith and Derek have been married for 15 years. They have two girls, Hannah Elizabeth Shepherd (15) and Samantha Ellen Shepherd (13). The family lives in their dream house on Derek's land. Meredith and Derek works together as Neurosurgeons. **

**Alex and Izzie are married and have twins Emma Grace Karev and Amanda Hope Karev (15). Izzie went into OB/GYN, neonatal and Alex peds. **

**Cristina and Owen have one boy William Jacob Hunt (5). Cristina went into cardio. **

**Lexie married Mark, and have one boy Nathan Marcus Sloan (5) and one girl on the way. Lexie went into general.**

**Callie is married to Arizona. They adopted a little girl Jennifer Emily Robbins-Torres (12)**

**Richard died and Bailey took over his job as a chief. Her son Tuck is now 19 and studies pre-med in collage. **

Hannah sat by her desk doing her homework, but all she could think about was the dinner in her stomach. It didn't bother until she heard some girls in school call her fat. Since then was it all she could think about, especially today, she didn't know why but she knew she had to do something about it. Suddenly she knew exactly what to do.

10 minutes later the shower was on and she sat in front of the toilet, hesitating. But the thoughts in her head made her put two fingers down her throat.

* * *

_Three months later._

"Derek, do you think there's something wrong with Hannah?" Meredith asked when they got ready to go to sleep.

"No, do you?" he answered and sat down on the bed.

"I don't know she just seems so different than before" She sighs and snuggles up against Derek.

"Mere she's a teenager" he says before kissing her to make all of her thoughts disappear.

Hannah laid in her bed thinking about what she had to eat today.

_You should know better. You're already fat, why make yourself even fatter. Stupid Hannah can't do anything right. You should do as I say if you want to be happy. _The voice screams in her head. Almost crying Hannah made her way down to the floor starting to do some push-ups and sit-ups to burn some extra calories. When the voice in her head finally is satisfied she drifts of to sleep.

"Hannah, Hannah time to get up" Meredith said trying to wake her up.

Hannah slowly opens her eyes looking up to her mom.

"Hi" she whispered trying to get used to the light.

"Breakfast is ready, dad made blueberry pancakes for you" Meredith said walking to the door.

Hannah waited for her mom to walk down the stairs before she got up, not wanting her mom see her body or seeing her stumble up dizzily. Slowly she puts on her clothes noticing they're being a little bigger than last time. She walked over to the bathroom and stepped up on the scale. Being happy what she saw, she went downstairs with a big smile on her face. Knowing she needed her strength on soccer practice she forces down two pancakes before running out to the bus.

* * *

Every muscle in her body ached when Hannah walked towards her mother's car.

"Hi mom, hi Sam" she said getting into the car.

"Hi" her mother and sister answered smiling back at her.

"So girls up for some shopping?" Meredith asked and drove away from the school.

"Yeah, I need new shoes" Sam answered.

Hannah just nodded as she looked outside trying to hide all the terrible thoughts and emotions from her mom and sister. After parking the car Samantha decided the first stop would be the shoe store.

"Don't you want a pair of these?" Meredith giggled as she holds up an ugly pair of shoes.

"No, but maybe these?" Samantha giggled showing another ugly pair.

All three of them started to giggle seeing the people around them had weird expressions on their faces.

After being in the mall for almost two hours looking through every store Meredith decided they should get something to eat. Once again she saw an expression on Hannah's face. And then another one when Hannah came back from the bathroom after dinner.

Meredith already suspected that something was wrong and now she was sure. And when Derek came home that night she shared her thoughts with him.

* * *

So... This is my first fanfic so I want to know what you think and should I keep writing this story?


	2. Moment of truth

**A/N: Slow update I know. But I wrote the chapter, but then I had to wrewrite it because I didn't like it, then school started... I don't really like the other chapter so I need your opinion. Should I wrewrite it or change a little and make it longer? Tell me what you think.**

* * *

After a long day at school Hannah tried to focus on her homework. But all she could think of was the food in her stomach. She wanted to get rid of it, but she was afraid to do it. Last time she did it she purged blood and had a panic-attack. And she didn't want to go through that with her parents and sister home. To relive all the chaos and pain in her body Hannah picked a blade to drag across her wrist.

In case someone would come in to her room Hannah kept looking down on her arms making sure the sleeves covered her cuts.

"Hannah" Meredith said knocking on the door. "We need to talk" she continued and walked in to her room.  
"Mom, I have a test tomorrow and I need to study" Hannah said looking down on her arms and then up to her mother.  
"This is more important, Sam and dad are waiting for us downstairs" Meredith said taking her hand leading her downstairs. Hannah just sighed and followed her downstairs not sure what they wanted.

_Are they going to get a divorce? Is there something wrong with any family member? Is Sam in trouble? Has there been an accident? Is someone sick? Do we have to move? Did they get fired?_ Were some of the thoughts running through Hannahs mind over and over. But when Meredith sat down in between Derek and Sam and pointed at the empty chair on the other side of the table, she knew they knew.

Hannah didn't want to show how weak she was so she walked over to the chair and sat down with a confident smile. But she wasn't so confident on the inside, because inside her head was 'Ana' telling how much of a failure she was.

_You're a failure Hannah, a FAILURE. Now they're going to make you fat to show you how much they hate you. You're weak and stupid. You should have done what I said, and then you wouldn't get caught. Already fat Hannah is getting fatter, all because she's stupid, stupid, STUPID! I hate you, they hate you, everyone hates you all because of this. Stupid, stupid Hannah! _  
Hannah held back her tears and looked up at her family noticing all of them looked at her waiting for an answer.

"Hannah answer my question" Derek said a little louder.  
"Uhm, what question?" Hannah whispered looking down at her hands.  
"Are you starving yourself?" Derek said again.  
Knowing her voice wasn't strong enough Hannah just shoke her head trying to keep looking confident.

"Hannah, look me in the eyes" Meredith said taking her hand.

Seeing the tears in her mother's eyes made Hannah confidence disappear and tears started to fall down as she looked in to her mother eyes hoping she would understand.

"Oh Hannah why?" Meredith asked wiping away Hannah's tears.

The whole family looked at Hannah waiting for an answer. Once again Hannah didn't say anything not wanting them to know the real reason. To avoid answer the question Hannah ran upstairs to her room. Moving too fast made her dizzy and she barely made it to her bed before she passed out.

Before Meredith and Derek got to the stairs Derek's pager beeped. Derek took his stuff and opened the door and saw Izzie standing outside. He went out the door and Izzie stepped inside.

"Are you guys alright?" Izzie asked looking confused.  
"Coffee?" Meredith asked and pointed Izzie to the kitchen.

Izzie just nodded and sat down.

"How can I help you?" Izzie asked taking the cup from Meredith.  
"We just confronted Hannah, she didn't say anything but everything is pointing to an eating disorder" Meredith said sitting down in front of Izzie.  
"I'm so sorry, how far?" Izzie asked after minutes of silence.  
"I don't know, I've made an appointment with Arizona tomorrow. I don't know if she wants me there or if I can be there for her" Meredith whispered looking Izzie in the eyes.  
"You want me to take her?" Izzie said with a glimpse in her eyes.  
"Yeah, that would be great. You've always been so close and I thought it would be easier" Meredith admitted smiling weakly.  
"Have you told her?" Izzie asked also smiling.

She knew the answer before she finished the sentence. So she took the last sip of her coffee and made her way upstairs.

Sam laid in her bed thinking about what just happened. She was scared of what Hannah had become, the person claimed to be her sister but wasn't. She was pale and the life that once filled her eyes was gone. Her thoughts got interrupted when Meredith walked in to her room.  
"She'll be fine" Meredith said sitting down on the bed.  
"How can you be so sure about that?" Sam asked and moved to sit beside her mother.  
"Because Arizona's her doctor, she has us and all of her aunts and uncles want her to go back to the old Hannah" Meredith said and gave Sam a hug.

"Hannah" Izzie said peeking inside Hannah's room.

Not getting an answer she stepped inside seeing Hannah sleeping. When she sat down on the bed she also saw some of the cuts. Feeling heartbroken she took a minute to gather herself up before she had to face Hannah.

_Hannah, Hannah_

Hannah thought she dreamt but when she felt someone touch her arm she forced her eyes to open.  
"What!" she said when she saw Izzie, not happy to be awake.  
"Han, you have an appointment with Arizona tomorrow and I'm taking you there" Izzie said taking Hannahs hand.  
"What, why?" Hannah said even angrier than before.  
"You've lost a lot of weight and need help gaining it back" Izzie answered wiping away some of Hannahs tears.  
"I DON'T NEED ANY HELP" Hannah yelled and tried to push Izzie away. But the lack of nutrition made it impossible. So she kept saying "I hate you, go away" instead.  
Knowing it wasn't Hannah who said those words Izzie didn't get offended. But since she didn't want to hear more of those words she decided it was best for both of them if she walked away. So she gave Hannah a big hug and a kiss on the forehead before she made her way downstairs.

"Izzie, are you okey? I heard she yelled" Meredith said when she saw her friend.  
"I'll be fine" Izzie answered giving Meredith a hug.  
"Are you sure, it was some horrible words" Meredith said hugging back.  
"Yes I'm sure. She's upset and didn't think straight, that makes those words untrue" Izzie said filling up their coffee cups so they could talk.


	3. Exposed

**Sorry for the wait, but i haven't had any internet for days... But here it is, enjoy. **

9 am the next morning Izzie opened the door with the emergency key she got from the Shepherds when they moved in.

Finding the bottom floor empty Izzie walked upstairs to find Hannah. First she looked into her room, not finding anything else than clothes on the floor. Knowing Hannah didn't leave the house Izzie went from room to room looking for her. When she came to the bathroom and heard water poring she knew what was going on. She thought fast and opened the door slowly not wanting to surprise her too much, but she was too late.

Hannah heard when Izzie opened the front door and finished up as quickly as possible so she wouldn't suspect anything.

"Hannah, you're only making things worse when you do that" Izzie said when she confirmed her suspicion.

"I haven't done anything" Hannah said and pretended she hadn't done anything unusual in the bathroom.

"You're a bad liar, just as your parents" Izzie said and they walked down the stairs.

In the kitchen Izzie took a banana and handed it to Hannah. But Hannah didn't want anything so she refused to take it. But Izzie kept the banana in front of her and when she looked up and met Izzies eyes she got scared and took the banana. She'd already got the "I'm disappointed at you" look at her once that morning and she didn't need another one. It took her 20 minutes to finish it and another 5 before she sat in the car ready to go to the hospital.

After a quiet car ride, they arrived at the hospital were Hannah once again refused to do what she was told. Staying in the car she tried to get back the control she once had, but Izzie was stubborn and took Hannah's hand trying to get her out of the car.

"Hannah, if you don't cooperate I have to carry you inside" Izzie said with a stern voice knowing Hannah would hate it. And she was right Hannah sighed and did as she was told. Slowly she followed Izzie through the hospital to Arizonas office.

"We're going to start with the physical exam,after that you have to answer some questions and then we can decide what to do next" Arizona said and pointed Hannah to the exam table.

"Can you take of your cardigan so I can check your pressure?" Arizona said taking out the things she needed.

Hannah slowly took of the cardigan and laid down on the exam table. Arizona and Izzie saw the scars but didn't say anything, they've seen it so many times that they knew it was more difficult for the patient than them. Avoiding the scars Arizona took the pressure and a blood sample.

"To check your weight I need you to take of your shirt and jeans" Arizona said writing down the numbers on a post-it and sending away the blood with a nurse. "Now step on the scale backwards" Arizona said trying to not stare at Hannahs small and fragile body.

Slowly Hannah stepped up on the scale, but not backwards as she was told. Being too afraid to complain about it that was her way to show she still had the control over her weight. She wanted them to know what she was capable of. It was too late to tell Hannah to turn around so Arizona tried to hide the numbers discreetly from her instead.

"Hannah, your pressure is low and your BMI is 13.7. You barely have any nutrition in your body. I have to admit you right away and give you a feeding tube" Arizona said sadly looking at Hannah's teary eyes.

"NO, no, no, no!" Hannah screamed running out the door. Hannah ran past the nurses' station were her parents, Mark, Callie and Alex talked to each other. All of them became quiet and confused when they saw Arizona and Izzie run past them to.

_"No, no, no! I refuse to let them do this to me. It's my life not theirs" _Hannah thought when she ran through the hospital. She made it down to the tunnels before she collapsed on a gurney trying to catch her breath. She didn't notice Cristina who sat farther down in the tunnel because her eyes were filled with tears.

"Hannah, what's wrong?" Cristina asked worried.

"The-e-e-y w-w-ants to a-a-admi-i-it me-e-e t-to m-ma-ake m-me f-f-f-fa-a-a-at" Hannah sobbed.

"You have to calm down I don't understand what you're saying" Cristina said. "Hannah, look me in the eyes and focus on me breathing" Cristina continued.

Moments later Hannah calmed down and could tell Cristina what happened.

After running through the hospital Izzie remembered they forgot the tunnels. With Arizona behind her Izzie ran to the tunnels were she found Hannah sleeping with her head in Christina's lap. Izzie woke Hannah up and led her to her waiting hospital room were Derek and Meredith was. Two nurses came into the room to change her clothes and sedate her so they could put in the feeding tube. Leaving them alone Arizona and Izzie decided to talk to Meredith and Derek about the exam, the scars and the treatment plan.

Hours later Hannah woke up seeing that she was all alone in the room. She took her opportunity to take out the feeding tube and get the hell out of there without anyone noticing.

Sneaking out of the hospital Hannah thought about where she should go. She couldn't go to school or any friend's house, her only option was to run home and hide there. But before she got outside of the hospital Owen had catch her in his arms.

_"Hannah, what are you doing out of bed?" _he asked.

Hannah started to kick and scream _"LET GO OF ME" _till Owen lost his grip around her waist. Hannah landed on her feet and started to run again towards the bus stop to get home.

When she got home she ran up to her room collecting the things she needed to end it all. With an orange pill bottle, her best blade and a suicide note Hannah locked herself in the bathroom. She then filled a glass with water and sat down in the tub to swallow one pill at a time.

_"You don't know what you're made of until you're broken. Now I'm just a sad soul who needs to bleed just to know I'm alive" _Hannah thought and made herself bleed.

All she saw was red mixed with grey. It was painful, but as the blood seeped out through the cut, it felt better and better. And before she knew it she dragged the blade deeper than ever before and watched as her bodily fluids exited her veins. Her vision became dark, her body went cold and the pain dragged its claws through her body. Reaping each and every part of her soul it made her ready to leave the world and body behind forever.

**R&R! And leave any suggestions you have!**


	4. Flashback

**Sorry for the wait, but here you go!**

* * *

**Flashback four months earlier:**

_As always on Mondays Hannah, Emma and Amanda did their homework together after school, taking turns being at each other's houses. Since they were at the Karev house and both the Karev and Shepherd parents were at work Hannah had to go home that night. It wasn't a long way but she didn't like to go alone in the dark. Not wanting the twins to walk in the dark either, Hannah decided to go home earlier when it still was light outside. But she didn't anticipate the dark was coming early or it would come at the point when she was in the park. Being terrified and walking fast made her trip on something, fall and land on the grass, hitting her head in the process. Not seeing the man behind her Hannah dizzily, with pain in her head, tried to collect her things, get up and hurry home. Before she got upon her feet the man pushed her back to the ground twirling one of his hands in her hair and putting the other hand over her mouth. _

_"Stay quiet and it won't hurt that much!" a guy whispered in her ear and turned her around. _

_Feeling the panic Hannah bit his hand and tried to get away. This only made him angry and once again she tried to get back on her feet, but once again he pushed her back on the ground and he slapped her in the face. _

_ "Did you not hear what I said?" he said open up her pants and forcing to fingers inside her._

_Hannah feared what would come next and continued to be stubborn and squirm underneath him trying to prevent the guy from getting farther into her pants. This made him angrier and caused him to punch her hard in the stomach and slap her in the face. Whimpering from the pain and having trouble breathing Hannah stayed still looking away from the man's dark eyes and hoped it would be over soon. _

**Reality**

Minutes after Hannah went unconscious Owen broke in the door followed by Izzie. Finding her in the bathtub drench in her own blood with an orange pill bottle in one hand and a blade in her other hand tore apart their hearts. Glad none of the Shepherds found her like that Owen picked her up from the tub and started CPR while Izzie tried to stop the blood flow and call for an ambulance.

As soon as the ambulance entered the house Owen went with it, leaving Izzie behind to clean it up and take the car back to the hospital.

"15 year old Hannah Shepherd possible suicide attempt. Massive blood loss from a deep cut in her arm and an overdose of various pills. Regained her pulse after shocking her at the scene" the ambulance guy said when they met Arizona at the trauma room in the ER.

_"We're losing her, charge to 360" _

Hannah drifted in and out of consciousness and felt her body tense up every time they did something to keep her alive. She tried to protest but week from the blood loss she only managed to grunt at Arizona and Owen. After countless shocks and blood transfusions Hannah became stabile and could get back into her room.

"She swallowed some sleeping pills and cut her arm severe, but we got her stabile and she's now back in her room sedated, strapped and her feeding tube is back in. Be prepared for what you're going to see" Arizona said making it all short so Meredith and Derek could sit with Hannah.

"Oh, baby girl" Meredith said when she entered the room seeing her daughters' horrible condition. Derek, unable to say anything, took Hannah's hand and sat down on the chair next to the bed. Hours later Meredith and Derek still sat at her bed side waiting for Hannah to wake up.

"Mom, dad. I'm sorry" Hannah whispered and fell back into unconsciousness.

Happy to know Hannah didn't suffer from any brain condition or other complication from the pills and blood loss Meredith and Derek was able to leave her bed side to find Arizona.

Meredith, Derek, Miranda, Izzie and Arizona all gathered around the conference table to discuss a treatment plan.

"We have to keep her at the hospital for at least a month and try to get her to eat. If she doesn't start to eat we need your approval to feed her through the tub. When she's discharged she needs to be supervised a few months more. And we together with some of the other doctors discussed a rotation schedule for her to be with us. Then you don't have to keep her supervised all the time and can spend some time with Samantha. We've also made an appointment with a therapist – Dr. Prentiss. And there is a support group with girls in her age battling the same thing and we thought she maybe could join them, but that's up to you. It's a lot of information at ones but does that sound reasonable?" Arizona said.

"Yes, thank you" Derek said for both of them and together they left to sit with Hannah waiting for Samantha to quit school.

* * *

**Please R&R! **


	5. Acceptance

**Long time since the last chapter. But school is killing me, but her you go!**

* * *

Hannah was two weeks into recovery and two weeks into her silent treatment plan. She had already tried to explain to her parents about everything and that just ended up in screams and a fight. Then she knew no one else would understand her thoughts and actions. Since that moment she'd been quiet to everyone who tried to talk to her.  
Her family was happy that she was eating again, but the silent treatment made them worried. She had already tried to kill herself once and who knew what was going on in her head now.

"Arizona, what should we do with Hannah? She hasn't talked to anyone since our fight two weeks ago" Meredith said when she saw Arizona at the nurse's station.

"I'm off to talk to her right now actually" Arizona said and started to walk over to Hannah's room, avoiding any further questions.

She had dreaded this moment for years and it took her two weeks to decide she was ready to share her experience with the demons that once haunted her.

"Hannah, I know how you think no one understands you. But I actually know what you're going through, I know all about the inner voice and how tough it can be to recover" Arizona started not knowing if she should continue or not.

"H-how do you know?" Hannah blurted out forgetting all about her silent treatment.

"When I was young I was a lot like you. I was a straight A student, played soccer and my brother had just died so I had a lot of press on myself and my parents had even more press on me. And I-I-I..." Arizona said and wiped away a tear before she took a big breath and continued.

"I became bulimic" she finished and wiped away another tear. Both sat quiet for a few moments before Hannah broke the silence again.

"I-I-I, w-what, h-how?" she blurted out.

"Like I said, I had a lot of pressure on me. I was in a bad relationship whit my first and last boyfriend, that was before I came out, and he kept telling me I should lose some weight or he would leave me. I believed him and did what he said because I thought I loved him. But I didn't have the self-control to resist food and I already exercised a lot of so I came up with the good idea "I can always get rid of it if I throw up" and that's when my hell began" Arizona explained.

"I know you don't want to talk to anyone because you feel nobody understands, but I do and I'm always here for you. Even if you just want a hug then I'm here for you and I want to help you" Arizona said and gave Hannah a hug.

"Thank you" Hannah whispered and hugged back.

After Arizona left Hannah was left alone to think about what just happened.

Arizona came and talked with Hannah every day and each day Hannah made some more progress. Hannah still had some problems talking to anyone but Arizona, but she talked with someone and that made Derek and Meredith happy.

On the seventh day Arizona came rolling in to Hannahs room with a present in her hand.  
"Hello tiger" Arizona greeted with a big smile on her lips and gave the present to Hannah.  
"It's not my birthday" Hannah said giving back the present to Arizona.  
"I know, this is just a "two week in recovery present" everyone chipped in on" Arizona said and gave Hannah the presents once again.  
"Oh" Hannah said and opened the present revealing a diary and pens.  
"It's always easier to write or draw down feelings" Arizona said and gave her another present she had hidden in her pocket.  
"This one is just from me too us both" Arizona continued while Hannah opened the second present revealing another diary.  
"Like I said it's easier to write down your feelings and with this diary you can write down things to me that you can't say face to face" Arizona said.  
"Thank you!" Hannah said with tears in her eyes.  
"Can you say thanks to the others too?" Hannah then asked and gave Arizona a hug.

"You're not saying thank you personally? Now I'm offended" Mark joked when he Lexie, Miranda, Callie, Alex, Izzie, Cristina and Owen came in to the room.

"It's not like I'm allowed to walk around and find you guys, and I refuse to sit down in a wheelchair!" Hannah said with a glimpse in her eye.

No one knew what to respond but when they saw the glimpse they knew she was kind of joking about it. So they all took turns to hug her and get a personal "thank you".

After they left Hannah opened up the first diary finding "we believe in you" messages from everyone. The messages was filled with love and made her lips turn into a smile and her eyes fill up with tears. After reading all messages Hannah took a purple pen and started to write in the book herself.

_Dear diary._

_To be honest, I'm not sure about this thing. Writing down my feelings I mean. Writing them down makes them real. And I hate every single feeling I have inside. They make me weak and I hate that to. I don't like what I've done to myself, to my family. But I want to get the control back. When I starved, purged or exercised I felt like I had all the control and didn't lose it to that horrible man four months ago. _

Deep in her thought Hannah didn't notice Meredith coming in to the room.

"What's that?" Meredith asked.

"It's a journal I got from everyone" Hannah said and closed the book.

"Can I go outside? I have been stuck in this room for two weeks and I promise to sit down in that horrible wheelchair and don't move. I just want to feel fresh air and see the leaves and the beach. I want to go to the beach…" Hannah rambled until Meredith stopped her.

"I'll have to ask Arizona first, but I don't see a problem" Meredith said and went to find Arizona.

A few minutes later Meredith returned to Hannahs room with a big smile on her face.

"She said yes and agreed for you to skip the wheelchair if you eat an extra nutrition bar. And you have to eat lunch there so I thought about having a picnic?" Meredith said.

Since Hannah really wanted to get out of the hospital bed and skip the wheelchair she accepted her options and got up to get dressed.

**R&R**


	6. Dear diary

__**A/: I'm in a bad place right now... Therefore the wait and short chapter. **

_Dear diary…_

_…I got to go to the beach today with mom and it was wonderful and everything I imagined it to be, until lunch time. Bread with cheese and ham on it and then two nutrition bars was way too much. The sandwich went down okay but the nutrition bars was another story. With each and every bite I felt my thighs grow more and more and afterwards it felt like I've gained 20 pounds. And the voice kept screaming at me STOP, STOP, STOP and I did at one point. I put the bar back on the blanket but then mom looked at me like she was disappointed and regretted the picnic and that forced me to continue. _

_Maybe ten minutes after we finished our lunch mom got paged and we had to go back to the hospital and I was left alone in my room, so I took the opportunity to get rid of it. The opportunity was there and I had to take it. I'm having mixed feelings about it now, one part of me don't regret it, but then another part of me do. _

Hannah was completely focused on writing in her diary until she noticed Dr. Bailey stood in the doorway.

"I know your secret" she said closing the door.

"W-w-what secret?" Hannah said afraid of what would come next.

"You have more than one?" Bailey teased but continued when she saw Hannah panic.

"I mean the one about what happened here after you little picnic" Bailey continued giving Hannah her "don't try to lie to me because I already know the truth" face.

"How do you know about that?" Hannah said afraid of the possible punishment.

"I'm Dr. Bailey, I see and hear everything in this hospital" Bailey said.

"I'm not going to tell on you because I'm not a gossip girl like your mother and the rest of the people on this hospital, but if I catch you do something like that one more time I will" Bailey continued.

"Thank you" Hannah said.

"You know, I'm not that evil as they say" Bailey said and winked at Hannah as she stepped out.

Soon after Hannah feel asleep, exhausted from the trip to the beach and the stress the purging added to her body.

Lexie stood by the nurses' station finishing up some charts when she heard some whimpering. Looking up she realized it was from Hannahs room and rushed in to see what was going on.

"No, no, don't" Lexie heard Hannah whimper again, realizing it probably was a bad dream she went over to the bed to wake her up.

"Hannah, Hannah, wake up, it's just a bad dream" Lexie said brushing of some hair from Hannah's face.

"No" Hannah whimpered again and snatched away from Lexie as the tears started to roll down her cheeks.

"Hannah, its okay it's just me, Lexie" Lexie said over and over again afraid to touch her again. After saying the word for the twentieth time Hannah started to come back to reality.

"Hey there Tiger, it was just a bad dream" Lexie said comforting.

Realizing what the dream was about Hannah withdrew herself into her own bubble again, trying to avoid Lexies questioning eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lexie asked.

"I'd rather not" Hannah answered.

"Can you stay till I fall asleep again?" Hannah asked when Lexie got up to go.

"Of course" Lexie said and sat down again. She then started to sing on their song, a French lullaby Hannah loved as a child.

Noticing Hannah was fast asleep Lexie stopped singing, got up and was about to room when she saw Meredith standing in the doorway crying.

"She's so fragile and I can't help her" Meredith said.

"You're helping her by just being here" Lexie said giving her a comforting hug, which only made Meredith cry even harder. At the same time Derek came around the corner and saw his wife and sister in law crying and hugging. Afraid of what might have happened Derek rushed over, without asking what was going on he took Meredith in his arms and led her to an oncall-room to calm her down. Lexie then dried her own tears and went the other way to find Arizona.

"Arizona, can I talk with you in private?" Lexie said interrupting Callie and Arizonas lunch conversation.

"Can it wait?" Arizona asked.

"Uhm, probably, but it's kind of important" Lexie said leaning forward.

"It's about Hannah" she then continued quieter.

"Okay, let's go to my office" Arizona said taking her coffee mug.

"What about Hannah" Arizona started.

"I think she's been abused" Lexie said.

"I was at the nurses' station when I heard someone whimpering, noticing it was Hannah having a nightmare I tried to wake her up. But then she freaked out and started to say 'no,no don't'" Lexie continued.

To shocked to say anything Arizona sat in her chair quiet.


	7. Tunnels

**A/N: Happy holidays everyone. This is a short chapter, but it's been awhile since the last update so u wanted to give you a christmas chapter.**

* * *

After talking about the possibility of abuse Arizona and Lexie were about to leave to talk to Hannah when a nurse interrupted them.

"Hi, Dr. Robbins, Dr. Grey-Sloan we seem to have a problem with Hannah"

"What kind of problem?" Arizona asked.

"She's not in her room" the nurse replied.

"Did you alert security?" Lexie asked.

"No, I didn't want to alert anyone so I came straight up here" the nurse said.

"Good, Derek and Meredith don't need more to worry about. Make sure nobody finds Hannah's empty room, I'll look for her" Arizona said and left the room.

Coming inside Hannah's room Arizona noticed the nurse was right, the room was completely empty. Just in case Arizona looked at every possible hiding place in the room finding the notebook for the both of them, opening the book she found one word scrabbled down _'TUNNELS'. _

Coming down to the tunnels Arizona immediately found Hannah sleeping on one of the gurneys. And just like Lexie explained she was whimpering in her sleep clearly having a nightmare. After sending a quick text to let Lexie know Hannah was found, Arizona walked forward and woke Hannah up.

"Talk to me" Arizona said a few minutes later.

"I'm fine" Hannah replied quietly.

"Hannah, do you remember last time we talked and I shared something personal?" Arizona asked and broke the silence. Getting a nod from Hannah she then continued. "This time it's your time to tell me something, and I'm not leaving your side until you tell me what's been bothering you lately".

"I don't know if I'm ready, because if I tell you you'll tell my parents and I don't want them to know. They raised me to be extraordinary and this makes me broken and fragile, and they already see me that way and I just want them to stop. And I want to feel better mentally and physically before I tell them…" Hannah started to ramble until Arizona interrupted her.

"What if I agree to not tell them until you're ready. Could you tell me then?"

Thinking for a while Hannah agreed and pointed out her finger.

"Pinkie swear" she then said.

"Pinkie swear" Arizona said and hooked their fingers.

After collecting her thoughts Hannah started to talk.

"A few months ago when I was on my way home from the Karevs I took a shortcut through the park. Halfway in I fell on something and before I knew it a man was on top of me. And he... you know" Hannah said hoping Arizona would get it without her having to say the word.

"Oh god. He raped you?" Arizona said more as a statement then a question.

Hannah nodded as her tears started to fall down her cheeks.

"That's when I lost my control and needed to get it back" Hannah then continued.

The next morning Hannah felt better then she'd done in weeks, all because of a peaceful dreamless night. She wasn't even angry at her mother for waking her up.

"I want to go home" she said before Meredith could say anything.

Coming inside the room a minute later Derek found a shocked wife and a smiling daughter.

"Dad, I want to go home" Hannah repeated when she saw her father.

Just like his wife Derek was shocked and unable to say anything. Recovering fast he grabbed Meredith and walked after her out of the room.

"We'll be right back" he said and exited the room.

_'Great I selected the wrong time to tell them, now I'm never getting home' _Hannah started to think but was interrupted a moment later when Meredith and Derek came back inside the room.

"We don't think it's a great idea. But if your doctors think its okay, we would love to bring you back home. And it would all be under ours and your doctors' conditions, okay?" Derek said smiling.

* * *

**A/N: I'm getting out of the bad place in my head and reviews make me smile. **


	8. Home

Two hours later an agreement was made, Hannah was allowed to get home but only for a couple of days to see if it could work. If it did the day would change to two and later a discharge could be made. Together with a paper with some rules and conditions and a food schedule Hannah could leave the hospital and go home for her second permission.

Once sitting in the car Hannah picked up the papers she got and zoomed out from the world.

"We need to pick up Sam before we get home" Derek said and started the car.

"Okay" Hannah mumbled reading through the guidelines.

_Breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks between the meals have to follow the food schedule. _

_After lunch and dinner the patient needs to stay still for an hour and kept from the bathroom. _

_Every meal should be supervised. _

_No physical activity. _

Reading made Hannah skeptical. She had the same rules at the hospital so she was familiar with them, but this time it was her parent's job to make sure they're followed. And this time her refusal might be okay. Leaving the hospital was like leaving a safe place. She was now going back to the place where it started and Hannah was seriously nervous. Being wrapped up in the paper and thoughts Hannah didn't notice the car stopping and Samantha going in besides her until she felt crushed. Waking up from her daydreams she noticed it was just her sister hugging her. Hugging back meant no words needed to be spoken. Hannah then drifter back to her own thoughts until they pulled inside the driveway of their home.

Collecting their stuff the three of them walked inside door greeted by a smell of food. All three of them knew Meredith didn't know how to cook very well and hurried inside the kitchen. Inside the kitchen Callie and Arizona stood by the stove cooking and Meredith sat by the table talking with Jennifer. Seeing her family in the doorway Meredith got up to hug them, except Samantha who went directly to Jennifer and dragged her upstairs to her bedroom. After the greetings Hannah slowly backed away and walked up the stairs to her bedroom.

After coming inside her room Hannah dropped her bag and walked directly to her bed and lied down with one of the pillows in her arms. She hugged the pillow and looked around the room dosing of thinking about the things that happened in there.

_"One bite, one pound. Two bites, two pounds. With every bite you take a pound will be added to your weight. One minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. And there is nothing you can do about it. Because when the pounds are added they can't go away. You're going to get fat, fat, fat, fat!"_

Hannah woke up crying. Everything that happened in the room came back to haunt her when she couldn't protect herself, when she slept. Afraid of the dark room and all the horrible stuff the room brought, Hannah picked up her pillow and made her way to Samantha's room. She crawled under the covers and snuggled against Samantha's body and whispered "I missed you". And just before she fell asleep she felt Samantha wrap her arm around her and whisper back "I missed you more".

The next day Hannah woke up from some strange noises. Careful not to wake Sam Hannah crawled out of bed and walked out of the room. In the hallway she saw her parents fighting over something and realized they were the reason for her waking up.

"God morning" she said with a tired voice followed by a yawn. But it was all it took for Meredith and Derek to stop arguing and focus on Hannah.

"You're okay!" Derek said chocked.

"When we couldn't find you in your room we thought something happened to you" Meredith rambled.

"I couldn't sleep in there, so I slept in Sam's room instead" Hannah said interrupting Merediths rambling.

"Oh, okay. Let's get some breakfast" Derek said and walked toward the kitchen with the other two in after him.

In the kitchen Derek started with Hannah's breakfast.

"Nightmares?" Meredith asked Hannah receiving a nod.

And a few minutes later Hannah's breakfast of two sandwiches, a plate of yogurt with two types of cereal and frozen berries, one glass with milk and one glass with juice stood in front of her. She then started to eat one of the sandwiches, first the cheese, then the crust saving the rest for last. After drinking some of the milk she moved to the other sandwich eating it in the same way and finished with the rest of the milk. Taking a few breaths Hannah then started with the yoghurt. She started to eat the first type of cereal, then the berries saving the rest of the cereal and yoghurt for last. And to finish the breakfast routine Hannah drank her juice and swallowed her vitamins.

Being done with breakfast Hannah moved over to the couch starting the TV. A few minutes later Meredith sat down on the other side of the couch.

"Dad and I thought you might want to change room to one of the guest rooms or renovate your old one" Meredith said.

"I think I want to change room" Hannah said after a minute in thoughts.

They then started planning for the new room, which room, colors for the walls and how to decorate it. The discussion continued until Derek brought an apple and a glass of juice for Hannah. Leaving Hannah to eat her apple Meredith and Derek sat down in the kitchen writing down some of the things needed for the new room.

While eating the apple in small bites Hannah tried not to think about the dream she had the night before. Not succeeding, the tears started to fall down her face as she took bite after bite.

When Samantha walked down the stairs she found her parents in the kitchen talking about something and her sister on the couch crying over an apple. Feeling sorry for her sister she walked over to the coach and embraced her in a hug.

* * *

**I'm not completely sure on were this story is going or if I'd like to continue it. So R/R**


	9. Change

**I'm not sure about this chapter, but yeah, here you go...**

* * *

Hannah sat on her bed in her new room with an apple in one hand and a diet coke in the other looking when her father, Alex, Owen and Mark put in her new furniture to complete the room. The former yellow walls was painted in a light purple color, together with a big bed in one of the corners, a big closet by her bathroom door and a white desk and shelf on the opposite wall made the room exactly like Hannah imagined. The only thing left was moving her stuff, and since she wasn't allowed to do it herself and didn't want her parents to see the stuff she'd hidden during her sickest period, Arizona would help her with it after dinner.

Downstairs her mom, Izzie, Lexie and Callie prepared food while Cristina picked up William and Nathan from daycare and Arizona picked up the other four children, Samantha, Emma, Amanda and Jennifer, from school.

"How is she doing?" Callie asked after a while.

"Honestly, I don't know. She's not talking to any of us" Meredith sighed.  
"She obviously has nightmares over something, and the other day we found her crying over an apple" she continued.

"It's not unusual" Izzie said.

"I know…but we're doctors, her parents. We're supposed to help her, not feel so helpless" Meredith said with tears in her voice.

Before they could continue their conversation William and Nathan came running in through the door with Cristina right behind them.

"Mom, mom, mom" Nathan said running towards Lexie and tried to get up in her arms. Not succeeding with her pregnant stomach in the way he was pleased when she hunched over so he could have his hug.

"If this one's a 'momma's baby' too, I don't know what I'll do" Lexie chuckled rubbing her stomach.

Not long after that Samantha, Emma, Amanda, Jennifer and Arizona came through the door talking about some new movie and everything became chaotic. Emma and Amanda went over to Izzie to complain about not being allowed to go to a party that night, Samantha and Jennifer tried to reason with Meredith, Callie and Arizona about going to the movies alone and William and Nathan bothered Cristina and Lexie about swimming in the pool. After getting the final 'no' all children walked out of the kitchen with a pout on their face and the adults continued with the dinner.

* * *

When the painting was done and the girls naggings about the party and the movies had stopped, Hannah, Derek, Alex, Owen and Mark made their way downstairs to complete their big crazy family.

With a perfect timing the five of them walked down just as the table was set and the other were about to sit down. After placing themselves on the empty chairs around the table the chit-chat and passing around the food began and soon after that the eating. Since Hannah got the place in between Arizona and Mark, away from Derek and Meredith, Arizona became the one to fill her plate with food.

Having people looking at them when they eat make persons with eating disorders uncomfortable, so the children were told not to look at Hannah during dinner. But her slowly eating and the eating everything separately made it impossible for the others to look away. Tears slowly formed in Hannahs eyes when she felt that everyone had their eyes on her, the tears overflowed and started to fall so Arizona wiped them away, took both their plates and got Hannah to follow her in to the kitchen to eat there alone. Then the rest of the adults gave their children a stern look of disappointment and continued with their conversations.

* * *

"You okay?" Arizona asked when Hannah started to move her food around her plate.

"No" Hannah answered honestly and looked up at Arizona. Blue met blue when they made eye contact and for a moment Arizona saw how broken Hannah really was. Sensing Hannah didn't want to talk more about it Arizona kept quiet for the rest of the dinner.  
Once they were done both of them went upstairs to begin the packing, starting with the bathroom.

Hannah started her Spotify playlist and Arizona carried some boxes to the bathroom. She placed two of them on the toilet, one for things to save and one for thing to throw out, and opened the cabinet only to finding tampons enough for a year, laxatives and razors. Just then Hannah arrived and without saying anything she collected her shampoo, conditioner and soap bottles. Arizona didn't say anything either instead placed the tampons in one box and the rest in the other. Finishing with the bathroom Arizona checked Hannah's boxes and then placed them in the hallway for the others to carry. They did the same for the rest of the room, finding more laxatives and razors. Once they were finished and everything was in their new right place Meredith came upstairs with a smoothie and a protein bar for Hannah and a cup of coffee for Arizona.

"Zona, what's your mind like when you eat compared to before?" Hannah asked.  
"For most of the time there are no negative thoughts. Sometimes when there is they're ignorable, but sometimes they're bad. Those days I think about how far I've become and how much I would lose if I gave in to them. I know it's not easy…*sigh* …but it's worth it in the end." Arizona answered.

The conversation continued without more seriousness, until Hannah asked the one question Arizona hoped she wouldn't.

"Did you ever try to kill yourself?"


	10. Did you?

Here it is at last...

* * *

**_"Did you ever try to kill yourself?" _**

Silence, nothing more than silence filled the air, perfectly uncomfortable silence. The laughter, the talking, every sound around them faded off to distance. It was like they were the only ones left in the world. Arizona didn't know what she should say. Should she tell the truth, or lie? She didn't know. So far she'd been honest with everything she'd shared with Hannah, even though she left out some parts of her story. But this was different, this was her biggest secret, this was something she never spoke about to anyone, not even Callie. Because truth was, she had tried to kill herself. Twice actually, almost succeeding the second time.

"I, uhm" Arizona began but tears welled up in her eyes and her breathing became fast and erratic instead. Thinking back at the thing she'd suppressed for so long made it feel like it had all those years ago. Unable to maintain the control, she let her tears fall freely from her eyes and that together with her thoughts made her hyperventilating. Frightened of what was happening Hannah rushed out in the hallway to scream for Callie.

Hearing Hannah's desperate screams made Callie as well as the other adults come bolting up the stairs.

"What's wrong?" Callie panicked asking.  
"I-I don't know, I asked a question and then she started to cry and hyperventilating" Hannah answered as panicked.  
"What did you ask her?" Callie asked wanting enough information to calm down her wife.  
"I-I-I…" Hannah began but didn't want to continue with the other ears there.  
Understanding it had something to do with Arizona and Hannah's "secret bond" Callie tog Hannah's hand and went inside her room, closing the door behind them. And getting the hint the rest of them left to do what they had done in the beginning.  
"We talked and I asked her if she ever tried to kill herself. And then she just broke down" Hannah whispered to Callie.

Still not knowing fully what the problem was, but having an idea Callie walked over to the bed embracing her wife in a hug. The hug, the stroking of her hair and the comforting words whispered in Arizona's ear calmed her down and soon the hyperventilating had subsided a well as the sobs.

"I'm sorry" Arizona whispered with tears still falling down her face.  
"It's okay" Hannah said sitting down next to Arizona slowly stroking her hand over her back.

"There's something I need to tell you, both of you. Can we just get out of her to somewhere else?" Arizona asked when she'd calmed down.  
"Sure, I'll go tell Meredith we're coming back later" Callie said and left the room.

When she was downstairs she quickly found Meredith, took her aside and told they needed a moment for themselves somewhere else. Barely understanding anything Meredith said okay and the trio left the house.

"Home?" Callie asked as they sat in the car ready to go.  
"Yeah" Arizona said looking out the window.

Sitting at the kitchen island with a cup of tea in each of their hands Arizona began to tell her history.

"I was a few weeks in on my second year on college. My brother joined the army and then died which left me all alone. I became obsessed with school-work and soccer slowly dragging myself down a destructive spiral. It got better for a while when I met Travis, he helped me for a few months, then he started with the comments about my weight. This made me go deeper down in the destructive spiral; I started to care less about school and focusing more on losing weight. I did some sort of exercise every day and tried to eat healthy. But all the training only made me hungry. So one night I binged on everything eatable I had, which because of the amount made me sick. And after I had thrown up everything it felt like a huge weight disappeared from my shoulders. That's when I became sick for real. I binged and purged multiple times a week and I started to do it more frequent with every pound I lost." Arizona said stopping to take a big breathe before she continued.

"I binged every day, at least once but sometimes twice, for weeks and with all the exercise my body collapsed. When I came to the hospital I was severely malnourished and dehydrated, my trout and teeth was damaged and I delusional. To let my almost dead body recover they put me in a week long medical coma with a feeding tube and IV. One week later they organized a transfer to psych, and with the fear of gaining weight and lose Travis encouraged me to escape" once again Arizona stopped, this time to wipe away her tears. With a stroke of comfort from Callie she began again.

"I got out of the hospital, took a cab home, grabbed all the pills I could find and sat down in the tube. Minutes later all the pills we're gone and I disappeared to a dream-state feeling. For the first time in a year I was in a peaceful state of mind. My roommate found me, called 911 and I was rushed back to the hospital. I stayed there for a week before I got moved to a health and rehabilitation clinic" Arizona said becoming quiet.

Both Callie and Hannah sat in shock with eyes full of tears, neither knowing what to say. They knew Arizona had struggled through college, but they never thought it would be this bad. All three of them were speechless for several minutes before Hannah broke the silence with a "wow".  
"I'm so glad you decided to go through the recovery in the end. If you didn't we would never had met and Jennifer wouldn't be ours" Callie said hugging her wife.


	11. Not a real chapter

I'm sorry for making you believe this is a new chapter when it's not.

But I have doubts if there will be more chapters to this story, since I have no inspiration or know where the story is heading. Right know I wan't to leave this story and maybe moderate it into a new one or start a completely new one.

I will deliberate your opinions and take them in for consideration when I make up my mind about the story.

Sorry again for making you believe this was a real chapter.


End file.
